There was a time that I didn’t feel masculine enough. I didn’t feel like I measured up.
I was thin and short and emotional. I felt things deeply. I was really playful and goofy.
So I felt like I had to prove my masculinity.
But you don’t have to prove or defend something that’s fully claimed.
I don’t prove or defend that I have brown hair. Even if someone told me I didn’t, I’d just think they were crazy.
But how can you claim something that isn’t authentically you?
If I’m trying to be the type of masculine I see on TV or in magazines, I’ll be proving it until the day I die. Because that’s not who I authentically am.
But my brand of masculine is Vulnerable. And Zany. And Free. And Successful. And Unmistakable. And Aligned.
It’s why I am emotional and goofy. It’s why I am who I am. And that’s enough.
Or maybe it’s my brand of feminine. Or maybe it’s just my brand of me.
Whatever constructs we use or are helpful to us, we’ve all got a brand.
And nearly a decade of this work has told me I’m not the only one who hasn’t felt masculine enough.
So I sat down with the courageous Christian Lopez of Behind the Mask-ulinity Podcast to talk about your brand of masculinity.
How I’ve come to feel so fucking confident in who I am. How I feel sexy and powerful in my body. Why I’ve posted naked photos of myself in masculine and feminine poses.
And, most importantly, how, sure, people can call me not masculine enough—but that sounds like a them problem.
No one can take my brand of masculinity away from me. Or, really, no one can take my brand of me away from me.
This was a powerful interview, so definitely check it out above.
We talked about vulnerability, relationships with our dads, putting our worth into the “masculine” accomplishments we’ve been validated for, and overcoming shame to be all of ourselves.
“You never have to try to be yourself. If you’re trying, it means you’re being somebody else.”
I had the chance to sit down with the brilliant Danielle and Daniela of Get Rose Podcast to talk about the anxiety and pressure we put on ourselves to create the lives we want.
Whether we’re looking for the love of our lives, or building a business, or just trying to find work we love—it can be fucking exhausting.
There are some moments in life that just seem to click—like having coffee with a best friend. Hours fly by. Genius spills out of us. And we never have to try.
And then they are those other moments—the ones where we’re wondering, “Did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing?” And we get super awkward and technical.
If we’re ever being technical, we have no idea what the essence is.
When we know our essence, our brand, life is a hell of a lot easier. Because we know the buttons we naturally push every time we’re successful and fulfilled.
And the cool thing is we can map those moments to figure out what we do without trying when we’re naturally successful.
Where our greatest strengths are. Where we’re most magnetic. Where things just flow
And Danielle and Daniela let me put them in the hot seat and even let me do some live workshopping to discover their essence on the spot.
Feel free to check out our spiritual and deep conversation above.
I’ll be totally honest that I don’t always jive with a lot of the conversation on most masculinity podcasts.
It’s usually:
Only speaking to straight, cis men
Carrying a very narrow view of masculinity
Leaving its listeners’ femininity off the table
That’s why I was actually glad to talk to Luke of The Imperfect Pod. He opens and explores a lot deeper and richer conversation on his show.
I sat down with Luke to talk about masculinity and the effects of prescribed gender stereotypes in my relationship with Garrett.
But what we really talked about was the conditioning that stops us from being ourselves. And the harm that causes to ourselves and others.
We talked about how masculinity and femininity are just social constructs that have held different meaning across time and culture.
If they’re helpful in exploration and shame transmutation, claiming them can be powerful. If they’re limiting, we can throw them out.
We talked about how you don’t have to assert what’s already been claimed. It can’t be taken from you if it’s claimed. But you can’t claim a brand of masculine that isn’t authentic to you.
And the definition of masculinity today is so narrow that very few of us actually match it. So we spend a lifetime trying to “prove” something we actually aren’t.
We talked about the myths of emasculation and feminization—that somehow getting more in touch with my femininity automatically takes away from my masculinity.
Like how stretching takes away from strength training. Oh wait, it doesn’t. It adds to it. It makes a stronger me.
We talked about knowing ourselves. Knowing our brand of human—which can be seen through lenses of masculine and feminine or not.
And we talked about building a life that feels like you. Because you never have to try to be yourself. If you’re trying, it means you’re being somebody else.
It’s a good one. Thank you, Luke for a great conversation. And 80 minutes(!) long.
Take a listen above, and let me know what you think.
I always had all of these ideas about what a well-lived life looked like.
You know—a happy marriage, a beautiful home, perfect health, fit body, amazing friends and family around, work that I love, lots of money, the ability to travel.
All of the stuff we see on social media.
And I’ll let you in on a little secret—I don’t always have all of that. I’ve had moments of financial hardship. And serious health issues. And family members get sick. And sometimes die.
I’ve had fights with friends and family. Challenges with work. Leaks and housing problems.
My real life isn’t a curated image. Because it’s real. It’s moving. And, in between the glamorous perfection is all of the other shit that isn’t always to my liking.
It took me a long time to realize that a well-lived life isn’t necessarily a perfect one. Or even a happy one.
It’s one where we respect ourselves. Where we have integrity. Where we feel our values integrated into every single aspect of our life.
And true self-respect is unconditional. It’s not about what results we get on the outside. It’s about what we feel on the inside. It’s about choosing our values, even in the midst of the shitstorm.
And, today, many of us are feeling that shitstorm hard. Many of us—myself included—are not living through 2020 in absolute perfection according to my previous definition of a well-lived life.
And it sucks. Because I know I want certain things to happen—in my personal life and in the world around me. I’m going to guess you want certain things, too.
But wishing things were different and feeling too hopeless to take action never really changes much of anything. What does is taking steps that articulate our values, even when they’re not convenient.
Our actions declare our values. And our values show us our identity—who we are.
I don’t just want to know who I am when life is really convenient and perfect. Because that’s not realistic. It’ll never last. I want to know who I am at all times. When shit hits the fan. When I have to find this inner strength and resilience.
Just choosing our values when life is easy will never build true self-respect. We have to choose ourselves and what we truly value unconditionally. Again and again.
And I have no idea if it’ll lead you to everything you’ve ever wanted. I can’t say with certainty that choosing your values always gets you the short-term goal. Because I’ve had plenty of times where I busted my ass, made sacrifices, chose my values, and didn’t get it.
But what I can say is that choosing our values will always lead us to success and fulfilment—at least in the long term. Because it’s what we really care about. It’s the values that make up who we are. And the thing we wanted to feel in the long-run, anyway.
So we might as well fiercely defend that.
Because loss of our short-term goals in favor of our true values is what we call personal growth. And we can never go wrong growing into ourselves.
That’s why I do the work that I do. Because it’s the only effective way I’ve found to be truly, truly successful and fulfilled.
To keep coming back to my sensitivities, my purpose, my gifts, my values. And then try like hell to implement those into every area of my life. When it’s convenient and, especially, when it’s not.
It builds a kind of unconditional resilience. A kind of deep knowing of ourselves. A kind of cementing of our values.
And people who aren’t aligned with our values just kind of fall away. Because who the hell wants to be around the Vulnerable guy if you don’t like vulnerability? If that’s embedded in every moment of his life, you don’t want to be there.
And people who do resonate just kind of show up. Because the games fall away. We’re not playing emotional chicken anymore and hiding ourselves. We’re just showing up and being who we are and not trying to prove ourselves.
You can take it or leave it. There’s no need to prove ourselves. Because, when you respect yourself, you see the immense worth you bring to every moment.
And it’s hard. I look back to where I was a few years ago and how I’d think, “What a crock of shit.”
Because self-love and unconditional self-worth sound like ridiculous pipedreams. The kind of substance-less bullshit that coaches and self-help authors spout without any plan to get there. It sounds good as an ideal, but it’s impossible one, at that.
But we can’t love ourselves if we don’t know ourselves. And we can’t love ourselves unconditionally if we don’t choose those values again and again, regardless of the conditions.
It’s just painfully slow. And really hard. And almost invisible. You don’t realize what’s happening. And then one day you realize that you love yourself more.
Because you chose your values in easy moments. And you chose your values in hard moments. And you took out the conditions. And now you love yourself unconditionally.
It doesn’t happen overnight. We have to map our experiences, figure out who we are, clarify our values, start slowly choosing that in each aspect of our lives, and commit to it when it’s hard.
It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. And by far the most rewarding.
I don’t always have what I want. But I know that I can be in integrity and fulfilled in every moment. No matter what life throws at me. No matter how hard shit gets.
