September 2020 – Mike Iamele

**I always had all of these ideas about what a well-lived life looked like.**

You know—a happy marriage, a beautiful home, perfect health, fit body, amazing friends and family around, work that I love, lots of money, the ability to travel.

All of the stuff we see on social media.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret—I don’t always have all of that. I’ve had moments of financial hardship. And serious health issues. And family members get sick. And sometimes die.

I’ve had fights with friends and family. Challenges with work. Leaks and housing problems.

My real life isn’t a curated image. Because it’s real. It’s moving. And, in between the glamorous perfection is all of the other shit that isn’t always to my liking.

It took me a long time to realize that a well-lived life isn’t necessarily a perfect one. Or even a happy one.

It’s one where we respect ourselves. Where we have integrity. Where we feel our values integrated into every single aspect of our life.

And true self-respect is unconditional. It’s not about what results we get on the outside. It’s about what we feel on the inside. It’s about choosing our values, even in the midst of the shitstorm.

And, today, many of us are feeling that shitstorm hard. Many of us—myself included—are not living through 2020 in absolute perfection according to my previous definition of a well-lived life.

And it sucks. Because I know I want certain things to happen—in my personal life and in the world around me. I’m going to guess you want certain things, too.

But wishing things were different and feeling too hopeless to take action never really changes much of anything. What does is taking steps that articulate our values, even when they’re not convenient.

Our actions declare our values. And our values show us our identity—who we are.

I don’t just want to know who I am when life is really convenient and perfect. Because that’s not realistic. It’ll never last. I want to know who I am at all times. When shit hits the fan. When I have to find this inner strength and resilience.

Just choosing our values when life is easy will never build true self-respect. We have to choose ourselves and what we truly value unconditionally. Again and again.

And I have no idea if it’ll lead you to everything you’ve ever wanted. I can’t say with certainty that choosing your values always gets you the short-term goal. Because I’ve had plenty of times where I busted my ass, made sacrifices, chose my values, and didn’t get it.

But what I can say is that choosing our values will always lead us to success and fulfilment—at least in the long term. Because it’s what we really care about. It’s the values that make up who we are. And the thing we wanted to feel in the long-run, anyway.

So we might as well fiercely defend that.

Because loss of our short-term goals in favor of our true values is what we call personal growth. And we can never go wrong growing into ourselves.

That’s why I do the work that I do. Because it’s the only effective way I’ve found to be truly, truly successful and fulfilled.

To keep coming back to my sensitivities, my purpose, my gifts, my values. And then try like hell to implement those into every area of my life. When it’s convenient and, especially, when it’s not.

It builds a kind of unconditional resilience. A kind of deep knowing of ourselves. A kind of cementing of our values.

And people who aren’t aligned with our values just kind of fall away. Because who the hell wants to be around the Vulnerable guy if you don’t like vulnerability? If that’s embedded in every moment of his life, you don’t want to be there.

And people who do resonate just kind of show up. Because the games fall away. We’re not playing emotional chicken anymore and hiding ourselves. We’re just showing up and being who we are and not trying to prove ourselves.

You can take it or leave it. There’s no need to prove ourselves. Because, when you respect yourself, you see the immense worth you bring to every moment.

And it’s hard. I look back to where I was a few years ago and how I’d think, “What a crock of shit.”

Because self-love and unconditional self-worth sound like ridiculous pipedreams. The kind of substance-less bullshit that coaches and self-help authors spout without any plan to get there. It sounds good as an ideal, but it’s impossible one, at that.

But we can’t love ourselves if we don’t know ourselves. And we can’t love ourselves unconditionally if we don’t choose those values again and again, regardless of the conditions.

It’s just painfully slow. And really hard. And almost invisible. You don’t realize what’s happening. And then one day you realize that you love yourself more.

Because you chose your values in easy moments. And you chose your values in hard moments. And you took out the conditions. And now you love yourself unconditionally.

It doesn’t happen overnight. We have to map our experiences, figure out who we are, clarify our values, start slowly choosing that in each aspect of our lives, and commit to it when it’s hard.

It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. And by far the most rewarding.

I don’t always have what I want. But I know that I can be in integrity and fulfilled in every moment. No matter what life throws at me. No matter how hard shit gets.

And that, to me, is a pretty well-lived life.

**Like most people, I sought my life purpose in my achievements.**

In all of the stuff I could add to a résumé or boast about on social media or measure society’s standards up against.

You know, an impressive job. Or a successful marriage. Or a nice home. Or Instagram photos of my fabulous vacations.

And I played that game—for longer than I care to admit. Even when I “gave it all up” and left my PR company to start this business and tell the world about my relationship with Garrett, I wasn’t really done, was I?

Conditioning is released in layers, no matter how much we buy into the myth of the one-fell-swoop life change.

I still validated my worth in those external things, like a book deal or some speaking engagements or even my happy relationship. When I felt insecure, at least I could cling onto those. I could anchor onto something.

See? Look at me! I’m still worthy! I still matter! I have achievements!

**And, as I’ve learned too many times to count, the danger with living a life based on society’s conditioning is that it will always be conditional.**

What happens if I stop making much money (happened)? Or lose good friendships (happened)? Or stop being featured in publications and podcasts (happened)? Or if people say all kinds of nasty things about me (happened)?

What happens if I lose or gain weight? If I lose my home? If my public image is tarnished? If I lose my career? If I even end my marriage?

Who am I then? Do I still matter? Do I still have worth?

The real danger in trying to achieve our way to purpose is that we’re never actually in control. We’re always at the mercy of those achievements—some of which we can control and some we can’t.

We live a conditional life. One we better hope is lucky. Because one minor hiccup, and now we’re questioning everything. Especially our worth and purpose.

Purpose can’t be a job. Or a relationship. Or a reputation. Or a certain level of income.

How could that possibly make sense?

Purpose has to be something deeper. The true anchor that we can cling to in times of struggle or strife or crisis.

We’re in the midst of a global pandemic. Shit is getting shaken up left and right.

We didn’t buy our super open-concept home with the intention that I’d be fighting over Garret’s voice when on calls. We definitely didn’t expect to be so distanced from loved ones and friends.

Or to postpone major events in our life. To lose money and deposits on things. To have terrifying health situations in our families that made us re-prioritize everything. To have leaks and unexpected housing issues and have to stress about money.

We didn’t expect any of that. Nor can we predict what the future will bring. And I’m going to guess we’ll be surprised just a few more times in our lives.

No matter how hard we try, we’ll never be able to control the external.

At the very best, focusing on building our worth and purpose through achievements is a mirage. At the worst, it’s a shame-inducing spiral that will inevitably leave us lost and confused.

When we lose that job. When we retire. When the kids move out of the home. When we get divorced. When we lose that money. When we grow older. When our bodies change. When…

The research is pretty clear on this one. Chasing happiness isn’t necessarily the best strategy in life. Because, so often, our definition of happiness is conditional. But focusing on meaning and purpose help us unconditionally.

Especially during times of crisis.

Because purpose is about resilience. It’s about knowing who you are. And anchoring in to yourself. In to that deep part of you—way below the layers of conditioning and achievements.

The part of you that won’t change. That can’t change. That is apparent in every single one of your lived experiences.

Your unique genius. Your sensitivities. The stuff you’ve had since you were born.

That’s the kind of purpose that’s led me through the darkest times in my life. The kind of purpose that helped me navigate my relationship with Garrett. And give up a whole bunch of temptations until I found what I was actually meant to do. And find happiness in even dark moments like months of severe sickness or emotional abuse or extreme anguish.

I won’t pretend I’ve navigated this pandemic gracefully at all times. I haven’t. But I will say that over these last few months, my friendships have gotten so much deeper and my sense of purpose in what I do has become firmly anchored.

**Hard as I try, I’ll never be about to keep tight control on every success in my life. Shit will go wrong. It needs to go wrong. Because that’s how I grow.**

But I need tools that tell me who I am. Even—and especially—when shit hits the fan. And when I have to let go of who I thought I was. Or what I’d been attaching my identity and worth to.

To discover who I really am underneath.

Purpose is about resilience. It’s about feeling purposeful, knowing who we are, regardless of the circumstances.

Maybe in business. Maybe in relationships. Maybe with our body image. Or financial situation. Or health issues. Or even a fucking global pandemic.

When our worth is anchored in that far down, there’s nothing that’s going to sway it. And we stop being a victim of others’ praise or criticism. Because feedback’s great—and important. But it never changes our inherent worth.

When we stop trying to achieve our purpose, we discover the one that’s already there.

The anchor that makes us resilient. No matter what life throws at us.

A Well-Lived Life Is About Self-Respect.