I’ve been feeling quiet and inward lately.
In the Sacred Mastermind, we’ve welcomed in the Express energy for April. And, almost immediately, we all began unpacking our own identity, communities, and social conditioning. The stories—or programming—of who we are. And what aligns with our inherent subjectivity and what doesn’t.
Simultaneously, I’ve been going through a fashion transformation. I started wearing glasses everyday that I actually like. (I’ve always had a prescription for driving, but I never drive, and I hated those glasses.) I went into my barber last week and told him to “do whatever he feels like.” And I’ve been spending money on new clothes that capture my embodiment in a new way.
I’m Expressing myself differently. And I’m unpacking the stories of who I am.
As I unpack those stories, I’ve been thinking a lot about mindset work. I mean, it can be immensely helpful. And even empowering. And I’ve done my share of mindset work. But the deeper I dive into subjectivity, the less I feel called to do any mindset work at all.
Because reciting affirmations and rewriting belief patterns is fantastic, powerful work. But it still exists on the layer of story. It’s still a form of conditioning. While believing that I’m “deserving of success” is infinitely more empowering than believing that I’m “not deserving of success,” both are simply conditioning.
Babies don’t need any conditioning to know that they are worthy. It’s only through conditioning that they learn they are not worthy. And then more conditioning on top of that to know that they may be worthy.
But what if I choose to unpack my conditioning and not supplant it with a new belief? What if I got back to that base layer of pure subjectivity? Where I’m not adding new programming in and conditioning myself to believe what I want to be true, but rather what actually is true for me.
It’s the difference between knowing about something, which is conditioning, and knowing it through every bone in your body, which is pure subjective Truth.
One is a story I’ve internalized. The other is me.
I’m finding that Truth rises naturally. And we might conceptualize it to give it meaning. But it’s a very different thing to subjectively create a story that articulates our Truth rather than working reverse and internalizing someone else’s story just to try to find our Truth.
It’s helped me explore unfettered Expression. What rises up naturally when we’re unhindered by stories. Like how my body wants to move and dance when I’m not self-conscious about others’ thoughts or telling myself stories about what dance is too, “weird or feminine or sexy or different.” Or the words that want to come out when I’m just transcribing what I hear in my mind—unhindered by rules or grammar or even coherency. Or really, really trusting when I feel called to spend lots of money on clothing and when I feel called to say a lot—not because I am trying to prove something or reflect a certain image, but simply because it feels right.
You know, pure subjectivity encapsulates intuition. And it’s really about learning self-trust.
For a long time, I had a story that spending a lot on clothing was somehow a less noble pursuit than other things I spent money on. And I even awarded myself a certain level of praise for how much I wasn’t spending hundreds or thousands on clothes. I dressed well enough, but I was “responsible.” And I dichotomized the practice of spending money on clothing into its praiseworthy and shameful aspects—the root of conditionality.
And, as I’ve unpacked so much conditioning already this month, I’ve felt called to spend on clothing. Much more than usual. And I’ve had to question, “Is this smart? Is it responsible?”
But here’s the thing—when we access that layer of pure subjectivity, we begin to always Express ourselves in ways that articulate the ever-changing fluidity of who we are. And it’s always in our best interest. Things just kind of work out. Because we’re being ourselves. We’re not being someone else and living by someone else’s stories.
So I spent a lot on clothing, which was nicely supported by a surprising return in taxes (when I thought I’d be owing a lot). And then I felt called to increase my savings account shortly after. Not because of shame or lack. But because it felt exciting and amazing to watch my account grow.
And I learned that I could trust myself. I can trust myself. Because, free from story, I get to meet the real me. Full of pure subjectivity. And it almost pains me to realize how many years I didn’t know myself. How many years—even now—I’ve based my thoughts, beliefs, and values on someone else’s conditioning.
And the more unpacking I do, the more I meet myself. The more I Express myself in new and interesting ways. The more I get to see my own magic.
So things are changing in here. And I feel quieter than usual. More contemplative. More internally revelatory. As I get to know more and more of the real me.
The deeper I go into this work, the more I’m convinced that subjectivity work isn’t just powerful; it’s the most important work that I can be doing. It reunites false dichotomies of praise and shame; it removes conditional love, worth, and power; and it just makes me more joyful than I ever knew possible.
If you were unfettered by stories and conditioning, who would you be?