I learned early on not to trust myself.
When you’re always too much—too intense, too emotional, too passionate, and too loud—then you’re always wrong. You start from the baseline that you’re wrong and everyone else is right.
And it’s better not to trust yourself.
So I started shaming myself for being high-maintenance. For not just going with the flow. For not being easy and simple.
When I felt emotional, I told myself I was overreacting. That it wasn’t that big of a deal.
When I wanted something, I told myself that it was too demanding, too selfish, too impossible.
So I learned to swallow my words. And my emotions. And be less of myself.
Because I couldn’t trust myself. Instead, I had to follow the rules. I had to watch what others were doing and copy them.
When you can’t trust yourself, you become an excellent ruler-follower. Because every impulse you have to deviate is probably wrong. Is probably too much. Is probably unsafe.
After spending a lifetime following the rules, toning myself down, and pretending to be less emotional and less high-maintenance, it wasn’t even in the realm of possibility that anyone would love the real me. All of it. The too much-ness. That that’s what a person—any person—would really want.
It wasn’t until Garrett that I felt fully seen. And, strangely, the more he saw, the more he loved.
He loved that I would keep raising my voice when I’d get excited, and he’d have to remind me we were in a public place. He loved that I’d get emotional over seemingly minuscule issues and said I was passionate about all of life. He loved that I was high-maintenance—that not just anything suited me—because I’m one-of-a-kind.
Everything I thought was wrong with myself, every feeling I’d ever had, is why he loved me.
And, honestly, I don’t think I’d be doing the work I do today without Garrett. Because it was that first belief that maybe my feelings aren’t wrong. Maybe I can trust myself. Maybe I can be loved in all of my too-muchness. It was all of that that ultimately convinced me to start writing to the world.
And eventually leave my own PR company to start this business. On my own. Having to trust myself. And share all of my “too much-ness” with the world.
Now, when I had random emotional attacks, I had to listen. And understand that it was my body telling me something.
Maybe it was the wrong decision. Maybe it didn’t feel right.
It wasn’t fucked up. There was a rhyme and reason to all of it.
And when I felt high-maintenance through my diet and sleep routine and use of essential oils, I started thinking, “Damn fucking right—I am high-maintenance. It’s a lot of maintain all of this magic every day. Why would I apologize for it?”
When you spend your life thinking that you’re wrong, it’s hard to claim anything that you want at all. Because you assume it’s wrong. That you can’t have it. That it won’t work out anyway. And that you can’t trust yourself.
You stop knowing what you actually want. And life feels a little bit confusing and directionless.
You start buying into others’ visions for your life. And you get confused around what you actually want and what others have told you to want.
You flip-flop ideas based on whoever you’ve been speaking to lately. And you start to lose your sense of self.
And those bad feelings? They’re just you trying to get yourself back to your own knowing. Back to who you are.
Because, if there’s one thing I learned through years of running the Sacred Circle, it’s that our feelings have never been wrong. Not one of them.
They’ve always been driving us to our ultimate success and freedom. Every single time.
And not just one person—but groups and groups of people—are out there wanting you exactly as you are. They are looking for exactly who you are right now. Desperately.
And they can’t find you if you’re hiding as someone else’s life.
What would be possible if your feelings have been guiding you to success this whole time?
What would be possible if you could trust yourself, trust your emotions, and claim your desires?
What would your life look like? What steps would you take? What could you do then that you couldn’t do right now?
For me, this is a huge question. The possibilities are endless. And I’d love to hear from you. Let me know in the comments or over in the Sacred Branding™ Facebook group.
So excited for you. Sending you lots of love.