I’m in the in-between. With only four days until we leave for Aruba, my mind has mind has been drifting back to those warm beaches again and again. I’m nearly wrapped up with work and resisting to start anything new, despite a lot of exciting opportunities coming my way. And I’ve done all I can do for the wedding and even packing.
I’m in the in-between. There’s not much I can do, but there’s not much new I want to do. So I’m kind of stuck. And—I’ll be honest, I didn’t know to use this space.
For the last two days, I felt a little bit lost. I have all of this excitement but nowhere to put it. And I don’t just simply want to wish the days away. I want to honor these next four days for what they are. Even if it means not being related to either work or the wedding—the two things I’ve been focused on in equal parts for the last 18 months.
I looked around my space—with half-packed luggage and boxes everywhere. And noticed how my space unsurprisingly felt exactly as my life does. In-between. Not quiet packed or finished, but too started to really do much else. In short, chaotic. And, as an energetically sensitive person, it’s hard for me to live in that chaos.
Thankfully, I have some amazing and talented coaches and healers as friends. And I had my weekly accountability call with one of them, my friend Alexis, who was able to snap me right out if it. She reminded me of how much my body was trying to process—all of this excitement and fear and anxiety and redefinition of myself—and yet I was trying to only intellectualize all of it.
In the midst of our conversation, I found myself cleaning. And not just things that were a mess from Aruba packing. I was intuitively finding my way into the closet and pulling things out to organize. And then I was consolidating boxes and making a huge pile for recycling. And moving the open, half-packed suitcases to an organized area where they were out of the way. And smudging the house with sage. And running essential oils.
And, before I knew it, I was three hours into laundry and cleaning, and my home had taken on a very different energy. I was still in the in-between, but it felt open and expansive versus constricting. There was tons of possibility in this space.
On Alexis’ advice, I began to shake. First my legs, then my entire body. To begin to somaticize and more some of this energy. To release stress, trauma, excitement, and anxiety. I shook and shook and shook.
And that’s when I got it. I really got it. This space is for me. It’s not for work or clients or my business. It’s not for Garrett or my wedding or packing. It’s for me. To fully process this experience myself. And I’ve been resisting it every step of the way. Trying to figure out what I can do. How I can make it easier for my guests or my clients. How I can help Roscoe more. In the midst of it all, I haven’t realized that this is a big trip for me. And I need space for myself.
It’s funny—I write this today in my now organized home, and it’s hard to remember why I felt so lost, confused, and down yesterday. I’m days away from ceremoniously marrying the love of my life in my favorite place in the world. I’m days away from going ‘home’—a place where I feel just as at home as I do in my own house. I’m blessed to have organized everything ahead of time and to have business support that lets me keep things running even when I’m away. And I get to gift myself space to process it all.
Doesn’t sound too bad to me.
But that’s the thing about uplevels—they’re so foreign to us that, at first, they can feel like misery. Or lack of purpose. Because we’re so hyper-aware of how purposeful we felt in our other iterations, that this might feel like emptiness. Except that the emptiness is really space. Space for opportunity. Space for growth. Space to step into our next iteration.
For the next four days, I have space. Physically, in my nice and organized home. Mentally, as my to-do list winds down. Emotionally, as I’m unapologetically gifting myself this time for me. And, energetically, as I step forward to Aruba.
I’m in the in-between. And for the first time—maybe ever—I’m enjoying the spaciousness that comes with it.