I’m really good at knowing the rules.
I’m a master of social dynamics. I can walk into any space and get a sense of what the rules are immediately. How I’m supposed to act. What I’m supposed to say.
When you live your life thinking that you’re wrong—that you’re too much or not enough—you’re always on alert to know the rules. To figure out what you’re supposed to be doing.
Because life has eroded your self-trust. You can’t trust your inner guidance. You’re wrong, remember?
And, to keep you safe, you’ve got to follow the rules. Otherwise, you’ll draw attention to yourself. Negative attention. And everyone will realize how wrong and broken and fucked up you are.
I don’t think it’s any surprise that we tend to attract a lot of other rule-followers into the Sacred Circle.
And that’s what makes the work so shockingly triggering. Is there aren’t rules. It’s not a course. There’s nothing you have to do.
If something doesn’t resonate with you, don’t do it. And I can’t tell you exactly what the answers are for you. We can give you lots of support and guidance. But there are no rules.
Because we’re starting from the baseline that you’re right.
I can’t tell you how triggering and emotional that was—and is—for me. To think that I’m right. After years of telling myself that I’m wrong, to know that I’m right.
That my job—my only job—is to unpack the rules that I’ve internalized. To pull out that conditioning and realize that the only way I will ever be successful is to stop following those rules.
Because they’re for someone else’s life. Not mine.
So much of my identity was based in being the rule-follower. The “good kid.” I was always worried someone would be disappointed in me. So worried that I was doing something wrong. Shaming myself that if I didn’t do this or say that, there wouldn’t have been a conflict.
I tried to take responsibility for everyone’s energy and emotions around me. Because, again, when you’re starting from the baseline that you’re wrong, that’s your default.
You just assume that you did something wrong. That you were too much. That you were not enough. That you could have done better.
It’s kind of like an abusive relationship with yourself. You convince yourself that you were wrong. And, therefore, in some sick way, you deserve whatever challenges happened to you.
And if you just followed the rules better, you would have been safe.
So, yeah, it’s triggering to be in a space where not only are there no rules, but you’re actively encouraged to unpacked the rules that aren’t true for you.
Triggering, but so fucking liberating.
It’s taken me a long time to begin to let go of the rules. And to trust that I’m not wrong. That it’s okay to ask for exactly what I want in any situation, even if it ends in conflict. That I can break the rules that don’t fit me. That I can be too emotional and too loud and too passionate, and I’m okay.
It sounds obvious. But a lifetime of assuming you’re wrong and following the rules makes you assume that you can’t trust any part of yourself.
And rather than change the relationships and jobs and business offerings and clients around you, you desperately try to change yourself. Because it’s not even in the furthest reaches of your mind that you can change those things.
Because, to do that, you’d have to assume you’re right.
It’s like Cinderella singing about her prince coming to save her while she’s cleaning the floors. Sure, it sounds nice. But it doesn’t even feel remotely like a realistic possibility.
Because life—through the surrogacy of her stepmother and stepsisters, in Cinderella’s case—has eroded all self-trust.
And she just has to follow the rules set by society—and her family—to not draw too much attention to herself nor be hurt.
And then the thing that we all secretly wish would happen, happens. Cinderella’s fairy godmother appears. And sees her. For her she actually is. As right.
And, for just a moment, she gets to experience what it’s like to not be wrong. To be totally and completely right.
And that changes everything. Now, of course, she can step into the magic of new clothes, a new carriage, and newfound confidence.
But the magic never stemmed from the dress and shoes; it always stemmed from being seen as right for the first time in her life.
I won’t lie. I always wanted my own fairy godmother. Someone to just come in and see me. And tell me that I’m right. And tell me that I’m okay breaking the rules. The ones that feel really bad to me. The ones that make me feel bad about myself.
It was in the Sacred Circle that I became my own fairy godmother.
And I saw myself for the first time ever. Really, really saw myself. Not through the lens of the rules. But through the lens of myself.
I come first. I matter most. I’m right. And some rules apply to me. But most don’t.
And I can’t even begin to describe the liberation that has taken place over the last few years. It’s shocking. Fucking shocking. What changes in your life when you stop feeling wrong. When you stop looking for the “right” rules out there.
And when you start seeing yourself as right.
Are you exhausted trying to figure out what the “right” answer is?
Are you so tired of figuring out and following all the rules? Of telling yourself that you’re wrong? That you need to know all the rules to be safe?
This has been my life story for so long. And this is one of the most important conversations I’ve ever had. So I’d love to share it with you and hear from you.
Please, please let me know in the comments or over in the Sacred Branding™ Facebook group, so we can support each other through these questions.
Sending you lots of love.